♀ Alexandra Inger Birgitta Karlsson ♀ -

22:18

date: 2013-08-31

time: 22:18:00

RIGHT NOW I’M JUST PANICKING BC THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO IN LIFE THERE’S EDUCATION AND THEN THERE’S YOUR OWN PERSONAL ENLIGHTENMENT (I.E. PLEASURE READING/WRITING/DRAWING/SPORTS/HOBBIES) AND THEN THERE’S PPL TO KISS AND PPL TO CONVERSE WITH AND THEN THERE’S SLEEP AND FUCKKK THERE’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR IT ALL

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

22:15

date: 2013-08-31

time: 22:15:00

pls never just ask me to list what kind of music i like or what books i like

like i love talking about music and about literature in a give and take conversation or like ‘oh have you heard so-or-so i just got into them they’re damn good’ but i cANNOT deal with just the open-ended question of ‘so what sort of music do you listen to?’ like i literally start sweating and forget every single song/artist ever st op

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

21:49

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:49:00

here are the things that i know:

the himalayas are still growing up,

and sharks don't actually kill

that many people per year.

i know that vodka tastes

better than disappointment

and you look like heartbreak

when you're walking away.

i also know that

we're killing off the rainforests

and running out of money;

and that this one time a roman emperor

loved a man so much

he raised him up into a god.

what i don't know

could make a million more poems

but here is the shortlist:

i do not know if stars

get lonely, or if angels have

to take their shoes off inside heaven,

or how perfume is made.

i do not know if antinous

even wanted to be a god.

(i do not know if your bones ache

the way mine do when i do not

have you near.

i don't know if i want to know, either.)

(a.k.)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:49

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:49:00

here are the things that i know:

the himalayas are still growing up,

and sharks don't actually kill

that many people per year.

i know that vodka tastes

better than disappointment

and you look like heartbreak

when you're walking away.

i also know that

we're killing off the rainforests

and running out of money;

and that this one time a roman emperor

loved a man so much

he raised him up into a god.

what i don't know

could make a million more poems

but here is the shortlist:

i do not know if stars

get lonely, or if angels have

to take their shoes off inside heaven,

or how perfume is made.

i do not know if antinous

even wanted to be a god.

(i do not know if your bones ache

the way mine do when i do not

have you near.

i don't know if i want to know, either.)

(a.k.)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:43

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:43:00

Old friends.

I want to say that I don't care

that we aren't friends anymore

but I really, really do.

I'm sorry

I pushed you away

and I'm sorry I never got around to apologizing

because I don't think it's my fault

and neither was it yours.

We grew apart

and

you stopped trying

and so I did too.

And all those times

I said I was just tired

it was not a lack of sleep

but rather a lack of hope

that you took with you

when you left.

I want to say I don't miss you anymore

but I think part of me always will.

And I keep telling myself it's okay that I lost you

and that I will meet a million different people in my life time

its just deep down I know that

I won't ever meet anyone like you.

(ak)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:31

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:31:00

i love this blog so much and i've never felt that way towards a blog before like it's just so chill and i love the design and i love how i can post about anything because it's all for me i don't blog for another person or other people this is all just for me it's a way for me to express my emotions and feelings and it may go months between each post but that does. not. matter. because it's all for me idk i just love it a lot this is my fave blog ever and i hope i don't get more followers because seven is enough actually maybe even too enough like it would be nicer if no one followed this blog in a way because then i wouldn't even have to think before i posted something not even a tiny bit but yeah this is a nice blog i like this blog A LOT

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 1 comments

21:28

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:28:00

"when i say, 'i love you,' it's not because i want you or because i can't have you. it has nothing to do with me. i love what you are, what you do, how you try. i've seen your kindness and your strength. i've seen the best and the worst of you. and i understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. you're a heck of a person."

- joss whedon

words to live by /

/ 0 comments

21:24

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:24:00

names i might consider giving my children when that time comes:

for a girl:

aurora

agnes

andrea

alva

astrid

elise

miranda

sigrid

lykke

linnéa

thea

yasmine

viola

olivia

ingrid

ida

juni

elsa

vera

celine

chanelle

marielle

inez

gabriella

for a boy:

alfred

elliot

liam

theo

viggo

vincent

william

oliver

fabian

theodor

lowe

walter

isak

adrian

lists /

/ 0 comments

21:16

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:16:00

I think it's quite funny

No one ever sees themselves

As perfect,

Yet we look around us

And we claim we know so many

Perfect people

You're afraid, you say,

That someone will see you

The way you see yourself

Well darling, I think you should

Change

The way you see

Yourself

Because to me, you are

Unparalleled

You are everything anyone could ever want,

Or want to be.

(a.i.b.k)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

what girls are made of

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:11:00

DO NOT LET HIM TELL YOU THAT YOUR MOUTH IS MADE FOR KISSING.

Your mouth is made for the articulate frenzy of revolution, for the

crisp shape of kindness, for lurching picket lines and your

solitary war cry in a law school classroom. It is made

for the brutal pucker of dreaming. Do not let him

cradle your jaw in his audacious hands and

tell you that your mouth is anything

less than the soft and violent

devastation of water, stirring.

The next sentence you begin with "I" -

don't you dare let it end in "love you."

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:07

date: 2013-08-31

time: 21:06:00

There's a pile of clothes

On my floor

That I wish were yours

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:33

date: 2013-08-31

time: 20:33:00

can we talk about how when you see a beautiful woman who’s with a less than attractive guy the thought is that she’s trashy or with him for his money or wow “score!” on his part

but when a guy is considered much more attractive than his girlfriend the there tends to be awe and reverence for him like he’s somehow charitable or automatically a phenomenally “good guy” for liking her for her personality

idk just a thought

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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20:25

date: 2013-08-31

time: 20:25:00

sometimes i’m sad and sometimes i’m so happy that i literally feel like i’m dreaming or like i’m on the edge of a fucking cliff or like it’s going to end any second? like i’m going to fuck it up everything good that’s about to happen just won’t and i’m going to fuck it up i’m going to fuck up fuck up so so bad and my heart is so swollen with good feelings that it starts to hurt so i deflate it and i make myself sad again and i don’t even know why because sad is worse than too happy idk and i feel like the in between is just a different type of sad why can’t i just let myself be happy i hate myself i hate myself so much even as i type this i hate every word i’m typing and i think that’s why i can’t be happy

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

20:22

date: 2013-08-31

time: 20:22:00

at least once a day i have a horrible feeling of ‘wow i can’t do this i can’t handle independence i can’t handle myself i just want to cry to my mother i just want to curl up in my own bed and spend all day on my laptop i literally cannot do this i am not capable of this this isn’t what i should be doing this isn’t what i am get me the fuck out of here’

and then idk other times i’m all right

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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16:33

date: 2013-08-31

time: 16:33:00

i feel so fiercely protective of people who are struggling with an eating disorder. like, im always the one to step up and be like “hey shut the fuc k up” when someone mentions a girls eating habits, especially in a negative way, and im always the one to point out that having a negative body image isnt inherent or synonymous with being a woman and that you dont have to and you shouldnt feel like it’s normal to hate yourself, and im always there to remind people that eating is never wrong or something to feel guilty about and to encourage them when they seem reluctant because i know i wish that someone had been there to do that for me . i hope i can be the person people feel safe enough ot talk to when they need help and if any of you ever do then know im always here and willing to listen without passing judgment ok

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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20:50

date: 2013-08-30

time: 20:50:00

i want to write. i need to write. tell you everything, but i stop myself. i constantly stop myself, stop the words. words that won't leave my body, because i'm ashamed. i'm ashamed because i'm weak. i'm ashamed because i don't understand, i don't understand the seriousness. i'm ashamed because i don't want to, because i have a voice in the back of my mind that's repeating the same sentence every day, every hour, every minute. i can't do it anymore.

but instead i'm sitting here

listening to pats and beats

unable to write the truth

because i don't have strength enough

i can feel myself falling

the anxiety eating me from within

but i don't understand.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

10:42

date: 2013-08-30

time: 10:42:00

Ribcage,

cigarette,

dizziness,

smoke.

Collarbone,

coffee mug,

emptiness,

broke.

Shivering fingers,

Desperate puffs;

Her mind is blank,

She's had enough.

Hipbone,

blade,

oblivion,

blood.

Spine,

rubber band,

addiction,

façade.

Blurry vision,

The curtains are drawn;

Tear down her face,

Your sweet girl is gone.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

08:51-

date: 2013-08-30

time: 08:51:00

im the worst person to be involved with because ill get a phone call from my friend and then ignore you forever. or ill get too stressed about answering you and ignore you forever. even if your time here is limited and you’re going to be gone tomorrow and incapable of talking to me for weeks i will do this. i can’t help but do this. I’m Sorry

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

07:42

date: 2013-08-30

time: 07:42:00

everyone’s angry at me all the time now and i don't know how to make it stop happening. it hasn't been entirely my fault yet so i can't even adjust my behavior to help it. i'll just stop doing things in general, permanently, i'll just become a peaceful leaf that never gets in the way, no one can be mad at me

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

23:59

date: 2013-08-29

time: 23:59:00

going to very generously share this sandwich of wisdom with you all. are you ready for this. okay. eat many foods speak with sincerity don’t hurt bugs smell nice drink a lot of water wonder about all of the flowers in the world moisturize open windows sometimes be nice to yourself think about grass kiss a lot count stars take a bath read poetry to an animal or a child read poetry to yourself write up a list of reasons to be sad and fold it into a crane and set it free (fold a thousand and you get a wish)

sometimes people are kind of like fruit

goodnight

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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22:13

date: 2013-08-29

time: 22:13:00

sorry dont talk to me right now if you expect me t o , try and care abotu the things youre saying im so tired and everything is hard i feel so numb i dont care about anything. i cant involve myself in petty discussions about petty things today because i lack the ability to care about stuff that isnt important to me. i know it’s important to you but i just, cnat, do that, i cant empathize properly today. im sorry

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:59

date: 2013-08-29

time: 19:59:00

sometimes i go through periods where instead of making my skin and physical health perfect i make my sOCIAL LIFE perfect it’s so weird like i’ll just start talking to a bunch of people and getting close to them and it wont be hard for me my anxiety will just be gone. replaced with this foreign motivation to interact with people. it’s great while it lasts but then the motivation dies and i shove them all from my life once more

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:54

date: 2013-08-29

time: 19:54:00

i dont know.… ive never experienced any sort of abuse before but im (for reasons i dont know) really honestly afraid of people’s anger. i feel unsafe when people are angry around me. anger is fuel but it doesnt only fuel necessary defense, it fuels hatred and violence and abuse too and that’s scary. i guess i understand what that post was trying to say but it made me feel weird anyway

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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11:15

date: 2013-08-29

time: 11:15:00

i feel like too many teenagers use their interests as a defining part of their personality and it makes them weirdly unrelatable. i sound like a douche saying this because i am a teenager too but like hear me out for a second, you know those fandom people ?? fanboys/girls/people? they won't be friends with someone if they've never heard of their favorite TV show? Them? well they dedicate their whole lives and personality to this one artificial interest of theirs and if you dont share that interest then you share nothing with them because they lack character depth beyond their interests (which is okay) (especially as teenagers we’re growing and figuring out who we really are and clinging to things like this makes sense it’s a safe and easy way to become a person i get that but) that makes it feel almost impossible to be around them. yeah

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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11:04

date: 2013-08-29

time: 11:04:00

i dont think it’s necessary to love yourself in order to love someone else but i do think it’s safer if you do

hating yourself makes it harder to love, it makes it hurt like waay more than it should, making it kind of difficult and terrible and even dangerous for you

self love in this case can be looked at as a bit like a bomb shelter

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:17

date: 2013-08-28

time: 21:17:00

u know whats pretty sad if i think too hard about it

ever since i was little the question “if you could have any superpower what would it be” has come up a lot and most kids have similar answers (the ability to fly, read minds, shapeshift, super strength etc) but mine has always been invisibility because ive always wanted so badly to be able to disappear whenever i feel like it and choose who gets to see me and when. the idea had the same comfort as hiding under a blanket like„if they cant see you then youre safe. i still wanna be invisible tbh

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:03

date: 2013-08-28

time: 21:03:00

don’t give up
just a bit more
a hand will come down
to pull you ashore
you won’t expect it
and that’s the best
and it won’t leave you
unlike the rest
the fight was worth it
you’ll see that soon
the caterpillar
has left its cocoon
it’ll keep on flying
till it reaches the top
it won’t look back
it will not stop
the fight was worth it
and now it’s here
a beautiful butterfly
that’s you, my dear
(a.k.)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:04

date: 2013-08-28

time: 20:04:00

i used to be afraid of boys picking me up because i didnt want them to know how much i weigh and then as i got older/smarter/warier i was afraid because i know that if a boy doesnt listen to u when u say no the first time then fear becomes rational but nOW i’m not afraid i’m just PISSED AS HELL and i will slice off ur hands if u try to touch me w/o explicit permission and i will rip out ur throat w/ my teeth if u try to pick me up. u filth

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:59

date: 2013-08-28

time: 19:59:00

im probably gonna be really embarrassed of myself now in a couple of years and i’m okay with that. if i knew where i’m going to be in a couple of years id probably be embarrassed of that too so i dont care !! people change a lot i’m going to change a lot why would i waste my time dwelling on what i used to be when i could just be whatever the fricks i am in the moment and have fun being it ??

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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00:18

date: 2013-08-25

time: 00:18:00

i wish sex didnt gross me out as much as it does. i wish people could talk about their very normal healthy sexual behavior/desires without grossing me out. i wish i could interact with someone sexually without getting grossed out by myself/them/everything. the couple of times i’ve tried i've either felt really gross-bad in the moment and started detaching myself from the entire situation or felt fine and happy until later on when i thought about it and felt really gross-bad. i wish sexuality wasn't a thing. i wish we were all small sexless desireless plants. ah, yes

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

23:37

date: 2013-08-24

time: 23:37:00

I’m a strong believer in compassion like if someone pisses you off remember that they also have feelings and they cry a lot and they probably were just confused and lost and maybe no one ever taught them how to be good maybe the world hasn’t been kind enough to them. like, think of all the people who have shown you love. maybe they haven’t been shown as much love, so just be nice. and you have no responsibility to keep toxic people in your life but you DO have a responsibility to show mercy and to leave the people who hurt you a little better for having known you. don’t add to all the negative shit that’s already surrounding them.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

21:32

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:32:00

i love photography so much. i wanna get back into it sort of but ? it’s so much .. work….that sounds so silly i'm sorry but it’s so hard. it’s not just taking pictures like you’d think it’s hhAaRd and carrying a camera all of the time and taking pictures of everything and suddenly everything has a whole new meaning to it EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY ENOUGH TO PHOTOGRAPH but not everything looks pretty in the photograph and no it is too hard. too much work. i will not

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:28

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:28:00

i’m torn between feeling happy that people (young ones in particular, and girls even more specifically) are comfortable enough to discuss their perfectly healthy sexual desires and despising the normalization of sex and everyone that contributes to it. i’m not sex positive or sex negative i’m sex neutral but also a little bit of “people who want sex are weird silly losers”. no scratch ALL of that i’m just a very small bitter sandcrab with an absent sex drive and a new found aversion to myself because of it. yeah that's it

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

21:27

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:27:00

i wish all romantic relationships weren't assumed to be sexual too. i wish what people expected from romantic relationships was morning yoga and making each other breakfast for lunch and reading on separate sides of a room in complete silence and riding bikes together and maybe touching each other sometime on the hand or the face maybe. dang

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:26

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:26:00

i hope all of my future romantic partners can respect that sometimes i might not wanna even think about touching them because it grosses me out too much and not feel hurt by it. i don't think they will ‘cause it is… kind of hurtful, soo… maybe i can tell them it’s not you it is me and they’ll be chill. or maybe they’ll be grossed out too and we can be disgusted and in love together. these are my goals

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

21:04

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:04:00

i will always be the person who went to the grocery store in cigarette-burned pajamas every day for five months

i will always be the person who wanted to die and didn’t

i will always be the person who lost twenty pounds
in one month and i will always be the person who gained it back

i will always be the person who decided, while crying
in the passenger seat of your car, to be better

i will always be the person who paused when you first said “i love you”
just to take the moment in

i will always be the person who survived the unsurvivable i will always be the person who fought like hell for it

poetry /

/ 0 comments

lord give me strength

date: 2013-08-24

time: 21:00:00

feels /

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19:18

date: 2013-08-24

time: 19:18:00

things i like /

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21:21

date: 2013-08-22

time: 21:21:00

ACTS OF KINDNESS ARE SO IMPORTANT. BEING NICE WHENEVER YOU CAN IS REALLY CRUCIAL TO YOUR OWN HAPPINESS AND OTHER’S TOO AND I DIDNT KNOW THIS UNTIL I REACHED A POINT WHERE BEING NICE WAS A GENUINE STRUGGLE AND REALIZED HOW COLD AND SAD IT IS TO BE BITTER AND CYNICAL. I KEEP CRYING I AM SO MESSED UP. PLEASE BE AS NICE AS YOU CAN AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE PLEASE . PLEASE

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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20:18

date: 2013-08-22

time: 20:19:00

you know that quote that goes like ”you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens” yeah well i agree with that so much and it’s fucked up but i think it’s true. you have to hurt before you can heal. that’s like the hardest thing to accept honestly but it’s really important to learn. i hate learning it. it’s so fucked up

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:38

date: 2013-08-22

time: 19:38:00

being bitter and cynical all of the time is genuinely a terrible way to live and i believe that wholeheartedly, but glossing over emotions that arent all gentle and positive is really terrible too and i think it really does more harm than it does good… it is good to get sad, and angry, and it’s healthy to grieve, and cry, and scream sometimes. you cant pick and choose what emotions you feel, and repressing them is really not good at all (please try not to do that !!) and all of these feelings play crucial parts in the human experience, and there’s nothing wrong with embracing them when you need to. you can be sad but have an overall positive outlook on life at the same time. you can be body positive but have bad body image days. you can be angry but an overall gentle kind-natured person. im saying all of this just ‘cause i see some posts on here that seem to be trying to crush sadness with positivity which might seeeem like a good idea but i really dont think it is at all and i felt like saying something about it while everyones discussing this

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:38

date: 2013-08-21

time: 21:38:00

i really hope im becoming the kind of person that cries a lot. like, before a couple of weeks ago i hadnt cried in actual months. and then before that it had been more months. i cried an average of 3 times a year (not including if someone dies or something) and most of the time it was from weird emotional breakdowns that were probably caused by a weird emotional buildup i didnt even realize i had. i didnt know how to cry a month ago even though i wanted to. i oculdnt. i didnt know how. i hope ive become a crier

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:52

date: 2013-08-21

time: 19:52:00

it’s reeeally cute when people get nervous and start moving their hands a lot while they talk it makes me feel guilty but affectionate i just wanna. take their hands and hold them if theyre okay with that. listen to them talk but while squeezing their hands too

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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19:49

date: 2013-08-21

time: 19:49:00

i think all love is real love. like if you think youre in love with someone right now then you probably are even if theyre not THe Love Of Your Life or if it goes away after some critical thinking or once you realize you like the idea of them better than anything like i think that love was still there and it was still real it was probably just misdirected. or maybe it wasnt! basically what im trying to say is you can love anything and everything it doesnt have to be as magical as people try to make it out to be. i fell in love with a dead leaf today

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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02:58

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:58:00

when someones being actively offensive and trying to justify it then a method of dealing with them i find pretty helpful is when they say “it’s not offensive” ask them if they would be saying the same things if (a person the group theyre targeting) were there and even if they say “YEAH because im not being offensive” you’ll still be able to see the flicker of hesitation in their face and the “uh well no i probably wouldnt ‘cause im a shitty scared baby” in their eyes and that’s pretty satisfying in itself

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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02:54

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:54:00

do you ever just think about dating harry styles

like actually just coming home after work or whatever and seeing harry styles doing whatever it is he does and he just comes over and asks how your day was and kisses your neck and asks whats for dinner of if you want to go out and just

feels /

/ 0 comments

02:37

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:37:00

criticisms of miley cyrus have come full circle and are once more shallow and needless and instead of being about how fucked up her behavior has been recently it’s about the size of her chest and ass, which is really lovely. Thanks

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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02:16

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:16:00

i wish i could feel sneaky and cool when i think about people ‘cause like you can do it ALL YOU WANT and no one will ever have to know but i dont actually feel like that i feel like everyone knoWs and they can see it they READ MY THOUGHTS ALL OF THE TIME AND THINK “WOW THATS SO WEIRD HOW YOU THINK ABOUT [thing] ALL OF THE TIME HAHA YOURE PATHETIC” so i scold myself for thinking about things too much and try not to from then on

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

02:05

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:05:00

the thing about telling people who are unhappy with their bodies to just “eat right” and “hit the gym” is that a lot of the time people who are already physically fit and beautiful by society’s standards or are dangerously underweight hate themselves and telling them to exercise isnt going to change that at all. surprisingly enough what is going to actually change that is NOT saying things like “just hit the gym fatty” and instead encouraging people of all body types to love themselves, because even if youre not fit you should still be deemed beautiful by societal standards and it’s garbage that youre not

stop giving people “easy solutions” to struggling with body image because they never work and youre absolutely doing more harm than good

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

02:05

date: 2013-08-18

time: 02:05:00

it’s SO NICE but also SO SAD to hear people who met on the internet see each other in person for the first time and talk about mannerisms they have. it’s so nice because i love little things about people and it would be soooo important to me to be able to witness the tiny strange things my internet friends do but also so sad because there are just some things you cant know about someone until you meet them and it’s…really sad. so sad. im sad

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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01:10

date: 2013-08-18

time: 01:11:00

what i never
learned
from my mother
was that
just because someone desires you
does
not mean they value you.
desire is the kind of thing that
eats you
and
leaves you starving.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

01:07

date: 2013-08-18

time: 01:07:00

science says
that no matter how close you get
to someone
you still cannot occupy the same
space as them
I think of the nights we wasted
pressing our skin against each
other so hard that we bruised
our bones
I think it can’t be true
that the closest I’ll ever be to you
is beside you
it is not enough
I hold my hand to your
chest
and watch it float on the calm
waves of your breath
There is not enough time
to love you the way that I want to
the universe may expand infinitely
but I am not allowed that same
luxury
I cannot become the sky.
You ask me what I’m thinking
and if it hurts
I say nothing
you ask me again if it hurts
I say
yes
yes
always

poetry /

/ 0 comments

23:51

date: 2013-08-13

time: 23:50:00

Who you are requires no thought. We use labels from experiences we’ve had to define ourselves, but in reality, even without those experiences, we would still be here. We would still exist, and we would still be. We are more than just the summation of the things we have and haven’t done. Even if I weren’t a blogger or a woman or a sister or whatever else I use to define myself, I’d still be “me.” Now, these things are so thoroughly ingrained in me it would seem as though without them I would cease as well, but as many people can tell you, all of who you are is not something you can classify by the means of words or language or mental understanding.

You are your awareness. That’s all. You are your consciousness. You are whatever it is inside you that realizes your reality and experiences things every day. Who you are does not direct your mind with thoughts, it is who experiences those thoughts. Your mind is nothing more than a computer, processing your human experience and, indeed, providing invaluable functionality for a human body. But that’s really it. It doesn’t do much more than that, other than fill you with irrational thoughts because your mind does not know like your soul does.

If you’d humor me for a moment and just take the time to acknowledge your awareness, you’ll reach a part of you you’ve probably never touched before. At this awareness, there is a sense of peace. You realize that everything that happens is not inherently good or bad, but that we assign connotations to it based on what we were trained to believe is acceptable or not. We realize that life is no more than an unfolding of experience that our minds contort with meaning in an effort to set up a mental obstacle course that we can overcome, and grow.

Realizing this was one of the most influential things I have achieved in my life, and funnily enough, it didn’t require anything more than just the ability to sit, be, and recognize my nature for what it is. Allowing myself those few minutes of complete focus on my awareness and nothing else showed me with great contrast how deeply our lives are crafted by the hallmarks of society, and how it will drive us all to misery if we let it.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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21:10

date: 2013-08-13

time: 21:10:00

I used to think the worst way to die was in a tank filling with water, you know? Like in the movies? They keep banging on the glass or the rocks or wherever they’re trapped, and the water’s rising and rising, and at the last minute they escape? Well, if it happened in real life they wouldn’t escape. So I thought that’d be the worst way to go.

But then I realized… I realized that’s what we’re all doing. That’s life. We’re all banging on the glass hoping for something more, trying not to feel pain, trying not to drown. Everyone secretly thinks their life is that fairytale. That they’ll burst out and have something more. Maybe that happens sometimes. You know, every once in a while. Maybe not.

All I know is that my life was that tank, and it was slowly filling. When I was little, when I first saw Titanic and shit, I thought the worst part of that whole scenario was the anticipation of death. But I was wrong. It’s the anticipation of pain. Like, just waiting and pounding and pounding on the walls that confine you and getting more and more tired, and you’ve come up with a last resort. You know, you bang your head against the glass—knock yourself out so you don’t have to slowly drown. But that takes courage, right? Or maybe not courage. Maybe the opposite… like the fear has to be really strong. Either way, you have to decide when to give up hope that someone will rescue you or that you’ll be special and miraculous enough to rescue yourself. And relinquishing that hope… who knows? Maybe that’s more painful than the drowning itself. But it doesn’t matter. Once it’s gone, it’s not going to come back on its own. You’d have to fight for it, and fight hard, because the truth is just so persistent. And you’re not strong enough, not brave enough, not ready or willing enough for that battle. So you end it.

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19:58

date: 2013-08-13

time: 19:58:00

I think it's really fucked up

how so many teenagers

are alone and sad

and having panic attacks in their room

while their parents

watch TV,

and how a lot of those teenagers

have had relatively normal childhoods

yet there's this huge boom of

depression and ED's

and mental disorders

and it's dumb

how we've turned into a generation

labeled as

"reckless"

but really we're only reckless

with ourselves.

(a.k.)

poetry /

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17:15

date: 2013-08-13

time: 17:14:00

there once was a young girl with green eyes

who wore her soft blond hair

in braided pigtails

at the age of seven,

she watched her older sister

stand in front of the mirror before school

and pinch her stomach with a disgusted face

neither of them ate breakfast that morning

at the age of nine,

she watched her older brother

make fun of a girl with glasses

for reading on the bus

she went home and hid all her books

in the attic

at the age of twelve,

she watched the older girls at school

with straight hair and short skirts

put makeup on in the bathroom

and discuss how boys would only like you

if you looked perfect, like them

the next day she arrived with red lips,

short shorts, and no braided pigtails

at the age of fourteen,

she watched her father hit her mother for the first time

her mother cried when she saw her standing in the doorway

and told her daddy didn't mean it

the next year, she told herself that

her boyfriend didn't mean it, either

at the age of sixteen,

she was paper thin and empty

with straight blond hair, red lips,

purple flesh and lifeless green eyes

while staring at her reflection

in the bathroom mirror

she thought to herself,

"at least i'm normal"

a.k.

poetry /

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16:57

date: 2013-08-13

time: 16:56:00

I Wrote a Poem For You

I wrote a poem for you

at two-thirty in the morning.

It was about how much I missed

the sound of you.

Your voice is so soothing

and your breathing reminded

me that you are still there.

That you hadn't broken your

promise of never leaving.

I miss you.

I once wrote a poem at noon

about how you used

to hold me tight

late at night.

I miss that and I miss you.

And I miss all the things

we used to do.

I wrote a poem for you

at five in the afternoon.

It was about the fight

we had at three.

I love you and I'm

sorry, you were right,

I don't know why

I picked that fight.

I miss you.

I wrote a poem for you

on the back of a postcard

and taped it to a kite.

I threw it up,

hoping somehow you

would get it,

wherever you are.

poetry /

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11:53

date: 2013-08-13

time: 11:53:00

I know you're scared right now

maybe you miss

someone

maybe your heart hurts a little

or a lot

or maybe you're not quite sure

of who you are

or what you want

but that feeling you

want back

the one where it doesn't seem

like the whole world is against

you

it's still here

it never really left

and one day you will realise

that the only person

who can find it again

is you

a.k.

poetry /

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11:49

date: 2013-08-13

time: 11:49:00

I find that

I spill my heart out

To anyone who gives me

The slightest bit of attention

Silly me

Thinking they actually care

A.K.

poetry /

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11:09

date: 2013-08-13

time: 11:09:00

this probably sounds really stupid but i actually think crying is really nice. it’s just good to be able to let it all out. i probably wouldn’t have this opinion if i cried several times a day, but when you only do it like once a year, it’s a rather enjoyable experience lbr

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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14:49

date: 2013-08-12

time: 14:48:00

one plus one equals three

sometimes life doesn't end up the way

you want it to be

one plus one equals four

i just don't want to be sad anymore

five times five equals nine

please help me feel alive

- ak

poetry /

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13:48

date: 2013-08-12

time: 13:47:00

I think I fall in love with people,

a little too much,

just in the way they sound at 4am

or how they look when they smile.

And it's so addicting,

when their eyes light up,

because you've remembered something

they may have said.

I think I grow attached,

to people, who I know,

will leave.

But I can't help it,

because I see all that you are,

when you don't really see it yourself.

And sometimes I wonder how someone's heart,

grows so cold,

and I think, that maybe it's because

for a while, it was left out in the rain.

You know some days I struggle,

when there's nothing left to say,

because I still don't know how to convince you,

that out of everyone,

and all the ones that leave

I'm always the one still standing there,

with an umbrella,

just big enough,

to cover your heart.

(a.k.)

poetry /

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13:13

date: 2013-08-12

time: 13:12:00

how to make me fall in love with you

Tell me what song you listen to by

yourself at 2 am, sitting in your bed,

laptop on your lap, screen dimly

lighting up your face. Let me watch

you quietly pace through your kitchen

barefoot on a Sunday morning,

humming as you make your coffee,

carefully turning the pages of

yesterday's newspaper or that new

book you're reading. Tell me what

that one line from that song is that

makes your heart drop into your

stomach. Tell me about that one time

when you were six that makes you

grin uncontrollably, and about that

time when you were ten that makes

your eyes water. Let me watch you

in a room with nothing but white

walls and acoustic guitar. Tell me

what you see right before you fall

asleep.

(a.k.)

poetry /

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10:43

date: 2013-08-12

time: 10:43:00

there is a part of my mind and soul 
that pulls whenever
 i open a book, 
a need
 and desire
 to dive headfirst into the pages, 
to plunge and drink and chew 
on its words and ink, 
to come out feeling (something)
 like my skin 
has been changed, 
beautifully stained
 by the story.

poetry /

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21:49

date: 2013-08-11

time: 21:49:00

i just want someone to take the edge off my loneliness you know like sometimes i’m just watching tv or listening to music and i’m like how great would it be if there was someone sitting next to me on the couch or like damn this bed is cold and this blanket isn’t enough and i just want someone to be my big spoon? i just want someone i can call at any time and be like i’m doing nothing do you want to do nothing with me bc i think you could fill a lil void and make my contentment seamless? you know?

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21:45

date: 2013-08-04

time: 20:46:00

i think we need to be talk about immigration for a sec bc too many people are ambivalent about this issue and too many more are indifferent and then there is a frightening number who actually insist that illegal immigrants are a threat to their happinesss

like wow is your life so fuckin bad that you have this need to see families broken up and lives ruined just check yourself and shut up about ‘border security’ and ‘real americans’ and please go find a large tree branch to shove up your ass

some of these people have gone through shit you can’t even imagine while you’re sitting on your ass concocting abstract ways in which one family’s happiness screws things up for you and thinking about how you can fuck with the lives of hard-working parents who have finally found some safety and stability for their children

and i mean it about that tree branch ok

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17:16

date: 2013-08-02

time: 16:16:00

it kind of sucks that most people who are integrated into society spend the majority of their waking hours during the work week tapping their foot and waiting to go home so they can use the money they’ve made to buy goods and services provided by other people who are tapping their feet

like it’s just one of those sucky things you realize as you get older ya know you realize that most of the people you encounter when you’re out and about on a daily basis are just putting in their shifts and glancing at the clock i feel like there’s a better way or smth? who wants to join my hippie commune??

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