♀ Alexandra Inger Birgitta Karlsson ♀ -

21:44

date: 2013-09-28

time: 21:44:23

Fleeting

I want to drive

Aimlessly

Through winding

Country roads

With you

While the sun sets

And you're in no hurry

To be anywhere else

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:42

date: 2013-09-28

time: 21:42:12

I'm just a flower

with an even number

of petals

everyone always

loves me not

in the end

a.k

poetry /

/ 0 comments

11:34

date: 2013-09-28

time: 11:34:16

If the sun were to explode,

you wouldn't even know about it

for eight minutes.

And nothing in the world

gives me a heavier heart

than knowing I wouldn't be able to

reach you

before the world went dark.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:41

date: 2013-09-25

time: 20:41:19

Even Though They Say They Are

I can't count on anyone

To be there

When I need them

Since nobody is even around

To begin with

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:39

date: 2013-09-25

time: 20:39:56

I am tired in a way

that an entire lifetime of sleep

couldn't cure

I know exactly where we stand

I just wish we were standing somewhere

else

there are people walking around with

parts of me that I did not give them

permission to take.

there is a piece of me that falls from the

tip of your tongue every time you tell me

you love me

from 700 miles away

you remind me of where I no longer

want to be

poetry /

/ 0 comments

18:12

date: 2013-09-23

time: 18:12:46

cows are the best they’re so nice and sweet and kinda dumb but mostly just nice they like to frolick and they’re so content just with the sun and the grass i also like that the girls pretty much just get their own species no one cares about bulls it’s all about the pretty happy sweet lil buttercup cows

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

18:09

date: 2013-09-23

time: 18:09:00

if writing about it made any

difference, i'd keep going.

but lately it's just too many words, but

not enough to make sense anymore.

it's never been enough, why would that

change now?

i told you once that i first started

writing, when i realized someone

deserved my words. and you said, as if

you were surprised i didn't

know, "people don't deserve words,

they deserve writers"

so i kept going.

but sometimes

i don't think you deserve the novels i've

been writing about you. sometimes it's

too much to read through every line and

know it's always been yours.

but i kept going.

so i wrote about another you, another

ocean, another anchor. i wrote about

different waves. i wrote about people

who weren't so far away.

and i've never felt so out of place, like i

didn't belong. thrashing against the

currents. as though even my words

were outcasts. thinking about it now

makes me miss you even more.

you told me once that sometimes the

roots are there, there's just not enough

water. and i wonder how that's possible

when i've been drowning ever since.

(a.k.)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

18:01

date: 2013-09-23

time: 18:01:42

people tell me that i should stop missing you,

but how can i do that when flowers wear your scent

and the wind has your laugh

every time i turn on the radio

it's your voice singing

how can i forget about you when

everything reminds me of you?

-ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

23:02

date: 2013-09-22

time: 23:01:58

There will alway be someone better.

You've got enough hammer keys

and blank pages and every single one

will be filled with someone better. You

will read better books and you will write

better lines. About someone who isn't

cracked around the edges and soft to

the touch and actually bounces back

when she's thrown against the wall.

22:55

date: 2013-09-22

time: 22:55:08

the world is so beautiful this time of day

when the rain is falling

but it's nothing like yesterday

the birds are sleeping

like i should be,

but i can't help it

i'm not meant to sleep

when the world looks like this

i am meant to see

not be in bed

only to dream of

3:03

-ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

22:53

date: 2013-09-22

time: 22:52:58

It has been three hours, two minutes

and three seconds, since i last saw

you, i hate to say that i already

miss you, but somehow i do

please come back my love

i feel like nothing

without

you

-ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

22:54

date: 2013-09-20

time: 22:54:00

you are the product

of a simple collision

of two minuscule cells

that held within them

your personal blueprint

you are predetermined

by 46 chromosomes

and patterns of DNA

that decide everything,

and yet nothing at all

for each moment of time

depends on so much more

than how much you weigh

or the color of your hair

or how tall you are

you are controlled by

all the thoughts and

ideas in your head,

the beauty in your soul,

and love in your heart

we are not just bodies

made of organs and bones,

we are curious beings

and no genetic code

could ever fully contain

all the beauty we withhold

(ak)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:17

date: 2013-09-20

time: 20:17:05

i don’t care for organised religion, i guess i’m spiritual. mostly superstitious. i like learning about my zodiac sign and various religions and i pick and choose from them what makes sense to me. i just want to be a nice person and be happy. mostly i trust mother nature and “signs” and vibes and energy from other people and i don’t really believe in anything i just think learning about spirituality is interesting. i just want to be connected to the earth.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

20:11

date: 2013-09-20

time: 20:11:33

She sits in the middle of a

grocery store parking lot, ponders

death, and all the things they

don't

teach you in school -

like how to forget instead of

memorize,

and how not to love someone who

doesn't love you.

a.k.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

19:54

date: 2013-09-19

time: 19:54:30

i just rly want everyone to be happy n love themselves n everyone else n do beautiful things like play in the forest with imaginary faeries and skip rocks in creeks and drink flavoured vodka with friends who care

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

17:59

date: 2013-09-19

time: 17:59:32

just because i don’t want to have sex with YOU does not make me a lesbian
being antisocial does not make me a lesbian
having less sex than other girls does not make me a lesbian
being able to state that i find a girl attractive does not make me a lesbian
being too self-conscious to approach or maintain relationships with guys does not make me a lesbian

but

calling me a lesbian because i won’t fuck you and you don’t care enough about me or are too stupid to realise the above DOES make you an idiot

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions lists /

/ 0 comments

21:01

date: 2013-09-18

time: 21:01:50

going to write a self help book called “here do you want some candy you can take 4 and eat the two that you like and then give the other two to someone else and make them happy” bc that’s the most profound thing i’ve said all day and probably all my life

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

20:50

date: 2013-09-18

time: 20:50:13

i'm told that heaven

is a city made of gold

with pearly gates

and brilliant light,

but i could care less

if it's crystal clear

or blanketed with fog

i just hope

heaven is a place

where i can kiss your soul,

capture a clip

of that radiant smile

and play it back in the sky

forever

a.k.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

19:32

date: 2013-09-18

time: 19:32:23

i quite like myself
slouched over a television with a broken remote,
pale skin alive with glowing colours
at 3:33 in the morning

i think i am at my best
when i am hovered
over the kitchen sink just after dark
running hot water
over my raw fingers

i feel great
when i am sprawled across my bed
crying before i even wake up
sun pushing, unwanted,
through a dirty window

i am very happy with who i am
i say aloud in the car
all alone
while i consider driving into a tree

i am very happy with who i am

poetry /

/ 0 comments

20:39

date: 2013-09-17

time: 20:39:14

ten things to appreciate

holding your shoulders high

answers

the taste of cake batter

tender, loving touches

the art in everyday life

face creams that soothe

rearranging the apartment

part of you always being a child

the buzz of a bumblebee

gingko and willow trees

lists /

/ 0 comments

19:13

date: 2013-09-17

time: 19:13:05

Promises

It's quite sad

How people make promises

About the future

Because they have no idea

What happens in the future

People say things like

I will always love you

I will always be here for you

Things will get better

'I promise'

But

It's 6 months later

And you don't love me

You aren't here for me

And

Things haven't gotten any better

(a.i.b.k)

poetry /

/ 0 comments

18:55

date: 2013-09-17

time: 18:55:56

i like this guy so much but i’m just nowhere near as attractive as he is and i’m not being intentionally self-deprecating that’s just the fact of it?? he’s a total 10 and idk what to do with that except become incredibly turned on when i stare at him in school sorry for bein lame it’s just not a thing you know it’s just not?? he’s too hot it’s just not possible you know

what's life??? /

/ 1 comments

21:48

date: 2013-09-16

time: 21:48:41

i held you close
on a night where
the stars broke open
the darkness

it was then
that you told me
that you loved me
for the first time

my only wish is that
you would have confessed
the words in daylight
(at least then i could
look up at the stars
and not think of
you)

-ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:43

date: 2013-09-16

time: 21:43:00

Flypaper

If you don't mean what you say
Don't say anything at all
And don't tell me you miss me
Unless you plan to answer when I call
You're a selfish friend
Maybe not a friend at all
You might as well
Erase me from your brain
And while you're at it
Remove me from your phone
Because I'm more tired of your excuses
Than I am of being alone

ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

21:39

date: 2013-09-16

time: 21:39:38

till matilda som kommenterade tidigare idag: har bestämt att vi ska bli vänner för har man stått ut med mig så länge finns det inget annat alternativ än att bli bästa vän med mig. träd fram. har du twitter. vad heter du på instagram. har du kik. nummer. snapchat. vad som??

what's life??? /

/ 1 comments

19:09

date: 2013-09-16

time: 19:09:13

ok.… i like beyonce // i’m not trying to be that girl who has to hate on everything everyone else likes BUT she’s been around for like 15 years and in the past 7-8 months everyone is suddenly jizzing their fucking pants over her like did i miss something huge, did she pop out the next jesus christ or cure a blind person or smth?? i dnt get it

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

19:08

date: 2013-09-16

time: 19:08:45

would anybody make me some artwork to hang up in my room? i think it would be cute n nice to be able to decorate with and admire things that strangers have made bc my walls are very naked

idc what it is, sketches or lil paintings or modern art or anything else you want to make and would be kind enough to send to me!!! if you feel like it contact me and i’ll give u my address xoxo

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

23:43

date: 2013-09-15

time: 23:43:44

reminders

next time you fall asleep remember
that there is girl in a bed with a blood stain on her sheets
that didn’t get there the same way yours did
and thank your lucky stars when you hear thunder
because you don’t try to hurt yourself when it rains anymore
and when you keep trying to write something meaningful
and all that comes out is this
be happy that you’re not so unhappy that you have to write
sad little girl poems
but bullshit reminders instead
just remember that you’re going to be fine
and so is everyone else
and you’ll write better poems again

poetry /

/ 0 comments

00:03

date: 2013-09-15

time: 00:03:42

diary entry, september 12 (materialism)

i want skirt overalls
i want real English tea
i want an old plastic lunchbox
i want someone to read this all one day
i want to wear lipstick tomorrow
i want to love?
i want to marry chandler
I want to paint my nails
i want to kiss a girl
i want to FUCK a boy
i want to go back to my childhood
i want a mean boy to fuck me and leave big pretty bruises all over my body
i want to break my neck
i want to fuck Harry Styles
i want anyone to fuck me
i want to be fucked up
fucked over
fucked sideways

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

20:37

date: 2013-09-14

time: 20:37:45

"whatever you felt last night, whatever needle was stitching its initials into your heart was felt by a hundred other hearts. whatever growls in the darkest corner of your memory is a beast that others have fed. you are not the only person who feels ugly tonight. you are not the only person who can't seem to find the right words until the conversation is over. who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing on this carousel. who cries for no reason or never cries or only cries when you feel like your life is finally standing still and you don't know what to do when nothing is going wrong."

- sierra demulder, "ariel"

words to live by /

/ 0 comments

20:32

date: 2013-09-14

time: 20:31:58

one hundred people die

every year

from choking to death on

ballpoint pens

and falling out of bed

kills 450 people annually

but elephants are the only mammals

that can die from a broken heart

and since i only write with

crayons and i sleep under the stars

i guess i should go on loving you

and hope that i am one of the thirteen people

that will be killed by a vending machine.

- ak

poetry /

/ 0 comments

15:52

date: 2013-09-14

time: 15:52:28

i fucking love it when straight divorced catholic idiots oppose gay marriage w that “sanctity” argument omg like “they can be together but if they are allowed to get married that just totally undermines marriage” DO U HEAR URSELF

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

14:36

date: 2013-09-14

time: 14:36:04

Because you cannot just erase me from

your life.

I am not a chalkboard.

I am not a carpet and you are not a

vacuum cleaner, taking away the old and

sweeping over it to create the new.

New lines of feeling.

We had each other.

We loved each other.

I will still see you and I don't know

whether I'll want to smile at you or

Keep on walking.

It'll hurt.

It'll hurt. Badly.

But,

it'll go away.

Eventually.

Slowly.

Hopefully.

a.k.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

13:05

date: 2013-09-14

time: 13:05:35

i am putting myself first. i come first i come first i come first. if you say something that is poisonous to me i am not going to swallow it. i am not going to swallow your poison. your intentions are good you are fine but i don’t care. i don’t care. i care about myself. i am trying to care about myself. everyone is just bragging. stop bragging. i’m fine. don’t talk to me. i’m fine. i don’t measure myself by measuring you. no. that’s not how it works. no. don’t talk to me. stop bragging. stop bragging stop stop stop. don’t talk to me. don’t text me don’t message me don’t talk to me. i am putting myself first and i don’t care.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

13:03

date: 2013-09-14

time: 13:03:31

I miss being a stranger

I remember when

you'd treat me like I was a stranger.

Someone who was just entering your life.

You wanted to impress me --

and you did,

but now I miss the way you showed me the back

of your teeth in a smile when I did nothing at all.

The urgency to talk,

to update and tell all of your secrets

disappear as I stay longer in your life.

It's easier to trust a stranger --

someone who doesn't know you.

You can spill all of your feelings because

you may never see them again.

I know that I like being by your side,

but what I'd give to be

a stranger for the rest of our lives.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

02:06

date: 2013-09-14

time: 02:05:57

why are my hands so cold when the rest of my body is fine???? give me an explanation?? my feet are fuckin cold too even tho i have socks on??? ???? n the rest of me is nice n toasty what a nuisance and a half

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

00:41

date: 2013-09-14

time: 00:41:12

People often tell me

My handwriting looks similar

To their ex-lover's

And I always wonder

If it really does

Or they just see my words

And for a moment

They finally see

Words they've been waiting to see

From an unfamiliar hand

Written in familiar ink

a.k.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

23:22

date: 2013-09-13

time: 23:22:55

things i like /

/ 0 comments

22:46

date: 2013-09-13

time: 22:46:54

the people on youtube who comment on an artist’s new music like ‘their old stuff was so much better’ or ‘thumbs up if you like their earlier music way more :((’ or ‘this album is too radio-friendly ugh’

like what do you think you are accomplishing?? go listen to the stuff you like then??? do u think you’re special? asshole

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

20:51

date: 2013-09-12

time: 20:51:00

life hack: eat well. drink lots of water. cut toxic people out of your life. realize you don't know everything. realize you don't have to give your input to every subject. realize that listening is often more important than speaking. try to exercise regularly. try to challenge yourself. don't romanticize other people. don't blame yourself for other peoples' faults. think critically about yourself. surround yourself with people who listen to you. listen to others. be a friend to get a friend. realize the you in your head is a figment of your imagination. read lots of things. erase your self image and replace it with something mutable and always changing. be kind to animals. recognize you're a very small creature made of stardust situated in a spatio-temporal fold you have no means of seeing beyond and that the only things that will last after your death are the good things you manage to do for others and the love you share. don't feel bad about enjoying silly things, don't let other people cow you into silence. fight for what you believe in. remember that you are perfect. remember that your existence is complex and cannot be reduced to trite aphorisms or a list of subjective characteristics. remember that none of this advice may apply to you. remember your family. remember where you come from. arm yourself for the future. arm yourself for the world. take care of yourself. you are never alone.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

20:40

date: 2013-09-12

time: 20:40:00

don't straighten the back of your hair. you won't be able to see it. you dress for you, not for them. don't straighten any part of yourself that you prefer curvy or unkempt.

you are not a piece of clothing to be folded into a suitcase, or an envelope to be stuffed in a mailbox, or a book that needs to fit on a shelf.

pack your bags. send letters to those you love to let them know how you feel. send letters to those you hate to let them know how they've wronged you and how you've forgiven them. read books. build shelves. stop worrying. stop thinking.

you do not have to lug yourself around. the more there is of you, the more strength there is to carry you. it all cancels out. your net weight is zero.

you are not a package - it does not cost more to ship you when you are bigger. you are a human being. ship yourself wherever you want to go.

stop making excuses. "i'm fat" is the dumbest reason to avoid living.

life is not a gym class. it does not exist to humiliate you. it is not about you, but it is for you. stop forging notes to get out of it. stop skipping days. don't fool yourself. live. get on with things.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

12:14

date: 2013-09-12

time: 12:14:00

And today I realized

that I am the biggest hypocrite

of them all.

I tell everyone to keep holding on

that there is light at the end.

That everything gets better as long

as you continue to wait.

I always tell people to have hope.

That they need to keep trying because

it is too early to give up,

that they have so much to live for.

Then there is me,

and I am barely holding on.

A.K.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

11:56

date: 2013-09-12

time: 11:56:00

you are not a pear, you are not an hourglass, you are not an apple; you are a human being, with bumps and crevices and scars. you are a million shapes rolled into one. you are a universe within yourself. you are a human being, and you are magnificent.

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

22:32

date: 2013-09-11

time: 22:32:00

älskar min blogg så sanslöst mycket ni förstår inte

med risk för att låta självgod <3

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

22:14

date: 2013-09-11

time: 22:14:00

competitive friendships are absolutely the most poisonous thing ever like if you’re in one and you’re able to recognize that (often you can’t but if you can) then seriously distance yourself from that person idc how much you love them i promise you will feel so much better as a person if you just don’t know what’s going on in their life for a while

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

/ 0 comments

20:44

date: 2013-09-11

time: 20:44:00

goals:

- spend more time reading for pleasure (every night before i go to sleep?? even for just a lil while??? this would be good)

- spend more time journal-writing it’s fuckin cathartic

- do my homework asap so i can go out and have fun later

- don’t worry about texting ppl too much and don’t worry about ppl hating you that’s their business not yours

- have fun

- remember you’re not dumb for asking questions

- remember just bc the work is harder doesn’t mean your professors hate you for fucking up sometimes

- remember that you don’t actually hate doing your work, just starting it ((((and that’s just the beginning part it’s over in a sec! just do it!))))

- remember that fruit is always good to eat

- if you can’t decide whether or not to do something/say something, do it/say it

- smile more (take good care of your teeth!!)

- apologize less

lists /

/ 0 comments

19:41

date: 2013-09-11

time: 19:41:00

ten things to appreciate

easeful days, dreamless nights

social and emotional intelligence

the love of the good things we ate in our childhood

bringing beauty and meaning into life

getting a really good haircut

dried greenery

carrying a map

tobacco stores

selecting ripe melons

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

lists /

/ 0 comments

19:08

date: 2013-09-11

time: 19:08:00

saknar att skriva och vill bara dela med mig av precis ALLT som händer i mitt liv just nu men något sätter stopp för orden och jag får inte ut något förståeligt, och det är så sorligt

men jag mår bra. väldigt bra. mer än väldigt bra. allt är alldeles underbart för tillfället.

ps. påminnelse om att ni alla är fina varelser. var stolt över dig själv.

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

21:15

date: 2013-09-08

time: 21:15:00

idag har jag

vaknat sent men samtidigt alldeles för tidigt med tanke på min sömnbrist som råder i veckorna
sett på alldeles för många avsnitt av den världsbästa serien supernatural som jag håller kärt <3
ätit osttortillas
ätit en god frukost bestående av fil blåbär granola samt tärnad gurka
druckit litervis med vatten och steviasaft
pluggat för lite spanska
skrivit i kalendern som är proppfull av viktiga händelser
läst favvobloggarna
duschat bort helgens bravader
insett hur hemsk denna värld är
funderat på att städa men sedan glömt av tanken
legat i sängen
bakat chokladbollar och ätit chokladbollar
konverserat med fina vänner och andra
saknat farmor och farfar
tänkt. för mycket.

lists /

/ 0 comments

20:54

date: 2013-09-08

time: 20:54:00

obs. detta inlägg är endast en påminnelse för mig själv ps. du kan sluta läsa här ds.

spanska v.38

la salud - hälsa

desayunar - äta frukost

el desayuno - frukost

dar - ge

el lugar - plats

soler - bruka

el zumo - juice

el cruasán - croissant, giffel

la magdalena - muffins

han puesto - de satte fram

el frijol - böna

el jugo - juice

la naranja - apelsin

el gallo pinto - maträtt med bönor och ris

el huevo - ägg

frito - stekt, friterad

la tostada - rostat bröd

la selva - djungel

el pescado - fisk

la yuca frita - friterad maniok

el patacón - friterad matbanan i tillplattade skivor

la tortilla de maiz - majspannkaka

ha hecho - hon har gjort

la arepa - majsbröd, majspannkaka

mediterráneo - medelhavs-

el beneficio - nytta, fördel

significar - betyda

concretamente - i själva verket

principal - huvudsaklig

la característica - egenskap

la verdura - grönsak

el arroz - ris

los cereales - flingor

las legumbres - baljväxter; grönsaker

usar - använda

el aceite de oliva - olivolja

extra virgen - extra jungfruolja

consumir - konsumera

elegir - välja

los frutos secos - nötter, frön

la miel - honung

la aceituna - oliv

evitar - undvika

el exceso - överdrift, överutnyttjande

la sal - salt

sano - hälsosam

el aumento - ökning

el sobrepeso - övervikt

el papel - roll

jugar un papel - spela en roll

comer fuera de casa - äta ute

luchar contra - bekämpa

el dueño - ägare

prometer - lova

ofrecer - erbjuda

el plato - rätt

además - dessutom

retirar - flytta undan

el salero - saltkar

what's life??? /

/ 0 comments

16:52

date: 2013-09-07

time: 16:52:00

i höst vill jag:

- baka äppelpaj och äta tillsammans med vaniljsås

- titta på tv

- försöka ge mig på att sticka strumpor

- ta många långa promenader

- ha myskväll med vänner

- måla med akryl till fin musik

- kramas

- skriva massa dikter och annat vid tillfällen då regnet öser ner

- våga gå klädd i kjol och strumpbyxor samt stickad tröja

- läsa megamycket bra böcker

- laga mat med höstens råvaror

- plocka kastanjer med lillebror

- träffa farmor och farfar

- dekorera mitt rum med ljusslingor och tända stearinljus

- gå på bio

- bada skumbad efter långa skoldagar

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deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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11:17

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:17:00

things i like /

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11:16

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:16:00

listen to me

you are not selfish for wanting to die

i miss when you would squint your eyes

to catch flakes of light caught in your lashes

but i still feel you

everywhere i go

you're living in my fingertips and i'm leaving traces of you

for everyone to see

that you are still here

i want you to take your medication

when you're supposed to take it

take the proper amount

cry if you need to,

but realize it is okay to need help sometimes

i want you to put your shoes on today

and step outside

skip school if you need to

just talk to the flowers and trees and bugs

don't try for your mother or your sister or me,

do it for yourself

because you will always be worth trying

you will always be worth life

whether it trembles on through three am phone calls

or brushes itself through your hair when you dance in your underwear

you are not selfish for wanting to die

you are human and you are here and i feel it

poetry /

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11:10

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:10:00

bring me to another world

preferably somewhere filled

with your lovely thoughts

poetry /

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11:08

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:08:00

Go ahead, numb the pain
with niceties and your sad attempt
at an apologetic expression
that didn’t fool anyone for a second.
It doesn’t change the fact
that there are needles
puncturing all of my
vital organs. (I haven’t forgotten that
you put them there.)
So let’s play your favourite game:
how many spoonfuls of sugar
can you feed me
before I realize
it’s poison?

poetry /

/ 0 comments

11:05

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:05:00

It's been more than a

year and my anger is still

too much for my words sometimes.

I apologise for never learning to

forgive, but you never learned to

be sorry.

We're always running the same circles

into the ground, aren't we?

(ak)

poetry /

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11:01

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:01:00

Self-pity uses a surprisingly large amount of energy;
I wish I could explain how it hurts to get out of bed
but it’s one of those things you can’t understand
unless you’ve felt it.

We are not lazy. We are not bored.
We do not lack passion;
We lack life
but not want of life -
there’s a difference.

Now, I’ll leave you to imagine all the ways in which I could be your version of better:
there’s a letter lying on the floor that
I should have sent a week ago.

Maybe one day I’ll stitch myself up to create something
mildly resembling something useful
and get everything done well, and - more importantly - in time.

But for now? Well, time flies when you’re miserable as hell.

poetry /

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11:00

date: 2013-09-01

time: 11:00:00

You tried to play my bones
like a piano.

You kept hitting the keys
harder -
so carelessly -
when they didn’t give you
the melody you wanted.

I’ll give it to you,
you never were very
‘musical’
but you should have known:
the real music in a piano
comes from strings within, hidden

from view.
You’ve never cared enough
to look deeper into anything
or anyone but yourself.
You never played my strings,
because you never learned to read
the rises and falls of the scales
and arpeggios of my thoughts,
nor could you understand the sharp pain or the flat numbness.

You never treated me like a musician
would; a musician
has respect for the instrument.
A musician makes sure
the instrument is working -
leaves nothing broken, damaged.
A musician fixes these things,
gentle with the delicate keys.

No, you were never much of a musician.
You fractured my skeleton
but my body will
never
sing for you.

poetry /

/ 0 comments

10:59

date: 2013-09-01

time: 10:59:00

It’s like we were walking along a cliff
and somewhere along the way I just
dropped off.

You see, I’m no good at explaining the ‘why’s of situations,
just the ‘what’s,
like when I wrote down I love you (I could never
say it out loud)
and I realised that some things are not
warranted by explanations -
they just happen.

One moment we walked together
and the next I was gone
and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more to hold onto.
Just know that before I fell, I held out my hand.
You didn’t take it.

poetry /

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04:37

date: 2013-09-01

time: 04:37:00

helping people makes me feel a lot better than doing anything else ever does i love it when people ask for my help and i like telling people things and hearing that i made them/someone happy i love!!! making people happy nothing makes me happier than making other people happy . i wanna make everyone happy. dare me to say happy again. HAPPY!!!

deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /

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02:38

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:38:00

When you get sick your body has white blood cells to protect itself.

The phagocytes will engulf the pathogen, the thing that’s plaguing your body
and digest it, obliterate it completely.

And then the lymphocytes will produce antigens and some of them will stick
to the disease, screaming,
‘It’s here! The danger is here!’

And then the phagocytes will engulf it.
It’s just that easy

(most of the time).

But the best part
is that your body can make
memory cells
and they remember perfectly
how to fight the disease,
how to kill it off before
it has the chance to affect you
the next time you come near it.

I’m learning these methods of self-preservation in emotional terms very slowly.
I’m building up my mind’s own immune system.
I’m reminding myself of the pain of last time every time I find myself falling in love with
a stranger’s walk or the sloping shoulders of the boy on the bus that remind me of sledging in the winter
and I’m sending the warning signals to my heart and I’m telling it to stop -
stop wanting, stop needing,
stop beating.

If only there were a way
to protect your heart
without shutting it down completely.

poetry /

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02:31

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:31:00

I still get anxious about

leaving the house and

the seams of my clothes are

coming undone

because I can't stop tugging

at my sleeves

and when I'm certain shades

of blue

I can't eat a thing

and sometimes when

the blue is like the ocean

I'm the opposite - it's

the only way

to fill this void.

I still get shaky when

I have to go to school

or work,

I bite my lips when I see you

and most of the time

I have to hold my own hand.

(ak)

poetry /

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02:27

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:27:00

I wanted to build a bonfire
for everything I hate about the world

And because I couldn’t find any logs
I burned my bones instead

Then realized there was nothing left
to throw into the flames

Because I don’t hate my mind, not really. This why
I find most of my bull’s-eyes on my body;

The only arrows on my thoughts are the ones
aimed at my internalized hatred that stems

From the acidic soil of a society that says
it’s better to be thin than to write poetry.

poetry /

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02:17

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:17:00

It still hurts to think;

your name still feels like grit on my tongue.

I folded my bedsheets this morning

and something about the soft linen

sounded like your voice.

I need to stop finding you in places you've never

even been.

Right now I'm struggling to find a way to love you

let alone to love myself.

You see, the difference between us

is that your fire is still burning - my flames

were doused years ago.

I hate you for carrying on living

and I hate myself for not being able to.

(ak)

poetry /

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02:05

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:05:00

every cell inside me is there for a reason,
but for what reason are they keeping me alive?
the blood races around my body,
the air rushes in and out of me.

oh how i wish that they could see,
what they were fighting for;
maybe then,
my heart would fail suddenly.
my lungs would collapse unexpectedly.
and there would be no more brain cells living,
to wonder all these things.

poetry /

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02:04

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:04:00

Perhaps if we stooped so low,
as to stop for a moment
a fleeting second
we might take the time to realise
the beauty of the budding flower,
and the delicate delight of a smile,
and the intricacy of the veins on our wrists
and the carefulness with which blood is pumped through them.
we might also notice
the boy getting bullied at the back of the bus,
and the girl crying because her father died,
and the little child who doesn’t want to go home
because they don’t know what horror awaits them there.
Perhaps if we stopped for a moment
we might realise
that too much of beauty is natural,
and too much of devastation is man-made.

poetry /

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02:01

date: 2013-09-01

time: 02:01:00

They line us up in perfect rows and

judge us based on

How we answer a few questions about

a few different things and then

Sum us up in one small letter.

Let me tell you something: I am not an

A or a B or a C;

I am a person and most questions, I assure

you, have more than one right answer.

'What does the human heart do?'

Apparently 'it breaks' was not correct

But I am human and it seems that

That's all mine ever does.

And to the question 'How do people breathe?'

I answered that some people breathe more easily

than others

And personally I forget to breathe sometimes and

Other times it feels more like I'm suffocating

And I'm afraid that one day my lungs will step

altogether

And no one will care.

All they gave me was a cross in red pen and

zero marks

Because no one accepts the truths they don't

want to hear.

(ak)

poetry /

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00:17

date: 2013-09-01

time: 00:17:00

a poem for each of the guys i've ever loved

you were my favorite 3am

i still think the eyebags

are worth it

ii.

my new sheets can never

compare to how your bare skin

makes me feel safe

iii.

my mom still asks about you

how you are and what you do

i wish i still knew the answers

iv.

my hands never seem to fit

right with anyone else's

other than yours

i had the poems you wrote me framed

and hung in the darkest

spaces of my mind

vi.

i wish my feelings would just

wilt away like the flowers you gave me

which i still water every day

vii.

i think i need you

more than i needed to pass that lit class

i just realized too late

viii.

when you asked what i thought about your haircut, i

only laughed because you seemed to think i would

love you less if there were less of you

(ak)

(p.s.

these are all for you

there has been no one since you

and even before you)

poetry /

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