i am not in love with you

but sometimes i wish i was

because maybe then i would understand

why when i think of saying goodbye to you

my stomach drops

because when you talk about leaving

when i remember that i will not see you for two years

my knees buckle

 

i do not know what love feels like

but i know that i am not in love with you

because we can talk about our favorite bands

but we cannot talk about our pasts

 

still

when i know that for two years

and maybe many years after

i will not hear your voice

i will not know what it's like to feel safe in your arms

my legs begin to shake